We had Monopoly. Everybody did. Nobody liked it. Even if you think you liked the game, you didn't. And it's simple why - because this is anybody here, 2 and a half hours into a game of Monopoly: F*CK THIS GAME. It's 4 in the morning Grandma, YOU WIN. I'm sitting on Baltic with crap! I'm paying luxury tax out the ass! And I HATE when you're the banker. Where'd you get the pink 50's you cheating whore? NO. Don't touch me Grandpa! NANA is a cheating whore! 

- Dane Cook

"I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat - unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead."
- Dane Cook

I took I took a lady's order one time. I'll never forget this.
"Ma'am, that'll be $3.75. Please drive around."
And then there's like this long pause and then she goes:
"But where do I go?"
Where do you go?! You follow the one f***ing road you're on to me!
Where do you...okay ma'am you're gonna go to the Texaco station. Take a right. Go 5 and a half miles southeast. You're gonna see a guy in a yellow poncho. His name is Hank. He'll take you to the Whopper lair. That's where you go. And you've got 10 minutes to get there or we take your food!
- Dane Cook

Dane Cook

"I don't even like jelly."

"Let's do this, I'm a cashew."

"I'd like to uppercut a punkass. Preferably at a dance, gala..."