I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. 

- Bill Cosby

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'

- Jerry Lewis

The police are your mother and father.
- Bill Cosby

10 Things I Hate About You: "That must be Nigel with the brie."

Oops? My insurance does not cover PMS!

Hello, Katarina. Make anyone cry today?
Sadly, no. But it's only 4:30.

I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
I think you can in Europe.

Alright, wait a minute. No drinking, no drugs, no kissing, no tattoos, no piercings, *no* ritual animal slaughters of any kind. Oh, God, I'm giving them ideas.

And I'll get to sleep at night. The deep slumber of a father whose daughters aren't out being impregnated.

Alright. Uh, I talked to her; I got the scoop.
What'd she say?
"Hates him with the fire of a thousand suns." That's a direct quote.

Mr. Stratford, it's just a party!
...And hell is just a sauna.

Maybe if we were the last two people alive, and there were no sheep. Are there sheep?

Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?

I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.

This morning, I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl, do you know what she said to me?
"I'm a crack-whore who should have made my skeazy boyfriend wear a condom"?

Happy Father's Day!

Your father, Jo. He never loses patience―never doubts or complains―but always hopes, and works and waits so cheerfully that one is ashamed to do otherwise before him.

- Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.

- Tim Russert, Big Russ and Me

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on a rope.

- Bill Cosby, Fatherhood

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around.
- Love Actually

Father of the Bride, Parts I & II

"Armani doesn't make a blue tuxedo." - Franck

"...So I am removing the superfluous buns." - George

"And then you're sitting there, with rice on your tux, wondering what happened to your life." - George

"How would you like to go through life with the name Cooper Banks-Mackenzie? The kid's gonna sound like a law firm." - Matty

"Two Vastnick is like, "Bye, George! See you next Thursday!" - Franck

"Are you telling me I might have a granddaughter named Sophie Zankman?" - George

Bummer man, he delivers.