A man told me I had to move because I was blocking the fire exit. As if I wasn't going to move if there was a fire.

- Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- Mitch Hedberg

I think Big Foot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Big Foot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run! He's fuzzy, get out of here!"
- Mitch Hedberg

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am, the sign said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3am and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say "Hey, I walked in at 3am and you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology."
- Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
- Mitch Hedburg

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
- Mitch Hedberg

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.
- Mitch Hedberg